Letter(s) to my fellow drivers..

In just over two hours Tuesday morning and afternoon:

Dear Cell Phone Bitch,
I only followed you for a couple of miles but I saw you drive off the road three times. I also saw you turn from the outside turning lane into the inside lane. If the car next to you had been 15 feet farther ahead he’d have t-boned you right into ME. Hang up the fucking phone, you can’t drive!

Dear Rap Fan,
I was six cars behind you and couldn’t hear my radio… or the truck with the bad exhaust sitting next to me. I doubt I could have heard myself scream. Does your music suck so much that you need to deafen yourself to enjoy it?

Dear Mr. Cautious,
Ok, you’re old. Time to take the bus, hire a driver, something. The speed limit was 40 mph, it took you a mile to get up to 25 and you wove all over the road at that speed. You slammed on your brakes every time a car went by going the other way. I had my cell phone out on the seat next to me, I thought you were drunk or having a stroke.

Dear Mario Andretti,
That WAS you, wasn’t it? Weaving in and out of traffic. Burning rubber when the lights turned green. Cutting behind and in front of cars with just inches to spare. BTW, dipshit, I followed you for several miles before we turned in different direction and we made it to the same lights at the same time. Good job wasting gas and beating on your car. I’m sure your mechanic and tire salesman love you.

Dear Tailgater,
Wasn’t that fun when I slammed on my breaks those two times. You almost got sideways. Your face sure turned red and it looked like you were yelling something unfriendly out your window at me. Next time leave more than a foot between our vehicles at 45 MPH or I’ll let you hit me and sue your ass off, idiot.

Dear Smoke Screen,
No, seriously, when your truck’s laying out a military quality smoke screen at every light it’s time to take it off the road and shoot it. You’re going to kill some poor asthmatic or cause an accident.

Dear Hey Your Horn ISN’T Broken,
Was there some reason you felt the need to drive behind me for a mile honking like an apoleptic asshole? I didn’t think so. Thanks for letting me know your horn works. I was wondering.

Love and Kisses,

Hawk (I’m taking the bus next time)


  1. ChillyMama

    Wow, reading this makes driving in your neck of the woods sooooo tempting! NOT. I’ll be in Gainesville tomorrow and for a few days thereafter; please scold the driving public in that area for me. Thanks! 🙂

  2. bath screens

    Thanks for posting this, lifted my day.


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