On My Spaceship…

I’m going to design a spaceship. Not a now defunct (I like that word a lot) space shuttle or one of these new Space-X Dragon capsules that look, act and land like NASA projects from the 60’s but a super-uber-ooperdooper interstellar SPACESHIP.

When I design this spaceship I’m going to put battery powered emergency lights into it. LOTS of them. Bright ones! One ever ten or fifteen feet in corridors and one in every room, two if the room warrants it. They’ll be tied into the ships electrical system so they’re fully charged all the time. They’ll be using battery technology from the future so the lighting will last days. If they can do this at Walmart they can damn well do it for interstellar spaceships.

Warning lights, klaxon, alarms and ship wide alert messages:
Warning lights will NOT be the only source of lighting in the event of major power failure (see above) they will not be insanely bright and flash like insane strobes at a rave. No one on my ship will be tripping on E. Warning lights will be visible but subtle. Strip lighting along the floor, something of that nature. It will get your attention without blinding and disorienting you.
Klaxon and alarms will not be deafening. They will be BELOW a normal speaking volume so you don’t have to shout that a mind numbing terrible tentacled monster is about to eat your friend’s head, you can calmly and evenly tell him of his impending doom.
The same goes for ship wide alert messages they will repeat, twice, every two minutes with a soft ‘ping’ every thirty seconds in between to let you know there’s an alert coming up soon. There’s no need for “WARNING THE SHIP WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN X!” ever 30 seconds. It’s upsetting and disconcerting, no one wants that. The messages will also be recorded by sweet young ladies from the south. Bad news in a frilly southern drawl is better than good news in a Cockney accent.

My spacecraft will be specifically designed NOT to travel to or through Hell and bring back friends.

The spacecraft will have guns, lots and lots of guns. Ray guns. Laser guns. Boopity beam guns. Photon smiters. Zippity-go-bangers. GUNS. “But, stop! We’re on a peaceful mission…” will NOT be the first response to aggressive alien behavior it will be “WHO’S NEXT!”

The bridge and or control room will be deep within the ship. We have amazing cameras now, imagine what they’ll be like in the future. We don’t need the one realllllly important room up near the outside of the ship with windows where Bob, the tentacled horror with a hammer, can let everyone out… rapidly.

Sex… either everybody’s married or we’re carrying hookers. No one’s cracking up over not getting any for 36 months.

Walls, floors and ceilings will be padded. There will be no sharp edges. Seats will have harnesses not seatbelts and will fully support a crew person. While we’re greeting our alien brethren with a 460 gun… salute no one needs to get bruised or broken if the ship’s a-rocking and swaying.

Doors, hatches, etc. will have easy to use manual overrides with the one exception that they will no work if there’s no air pressure on the other side (duh!). There will be a little light on the override that everyone will know, before leaving port, means “Bad, no openey!” This goes for airlocks as well (double duh).

Since our spacecraft will be big (all those guns you know) we probably won’t be able to land it. Landing craft will be provided. Said landing craft will have more than enough fuel to make it back and forth to the main craft. No “Oh darn, I flew a couple miles now we’re stranded. Look at our pretty ship up in the sky. I guess it’ll take only a few year to get these aliens to distill a proper fuel.” CRAP! Our landing craft will run on rocks, kangaroos, leaves. If necessary very junior spacemen (or women!) can be stuffed into the fuel tank for the good of the rest.

We will have none of this Prime Directive crap. If Alien “A” is nice, cuddly, friendly and willing to give us trinkets and beads and Alien “B” is ugly, covered in warty tentacles and an all around dick we will, if asked nicely, stomp Alien “B” into paste. If we get it wrong and Alien “A” is really the dick, oh well, it’s a big universe we’ll try again somewhere else. Bonus, free, empty (if slightly radioactive) planet(s)!

Is there anything I’m missing?

Hawk (the urban spaceman) <-- points for getting the reference.


  1. Carl

    Okay, sounds good. Sign me up, got nothing that good going on here anyway.


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