Dear Cell Phone Bitch,
I only followed you for a couple of miles but I saw you drive off the road three times. I also saw you turn from the outside turning lane into the inside lane. If the car next to you had been 15 feet farther ahead he’d have t-boned you right into ME. Hang up the fucking phone, you can’t drive!

Dear Rap Fan,
I was six cars behind you and couldn’t hear my radio… or the truck with the bad exhaust sitting next to me. I doubt I could have heard myself scream. Does your music suck so much that you need to deafen yourself to enjoy it?

Dear Mr. Cautious,
Ok, you’re old. Time to take the bus, hire a driver, something. The speed limit was 40 mph, it took you a mile to get up to 25 and you wove all over the road at that speed. You slammed on your brakes every time a car went by going the other way. I had my cell phone out on the seat next to me, I thought you were drunk or having a stroke.

Dear Mario Andretti,
That WAS you, wasn’t it? Weaving in and out of traffic. Burning rubber when the lights turned green. Cutting behind and in front of cars with just inches to spare. BTW, dipshit, I followed you for several miles before we turned in different direction and we made it to the same lights at the same time. Good job wasting gas and beating on your car. I’m sure your mechanic and tire salesman love you.

Dear Tailgater,
Wasn’t that fun when I slammed on my breaks those two times. You almost got sideways. Your face sure turned red and it looked like you were yelling something unfriendly out your window at me. Next time leave more than a foot between our vehicles at 45 MPH or I’ll let you hit me and sue your ass off, idiot.

Dear Smoke Screen,
No, seriously, when your truck’s laying out a military quality smoke screen at every light it’s time to take it off the road and shoot it. You’re going to kill some poor asthmatic or cause an accident.

Dear Hey Your Horn ISN’T Broken,
Was there some reason you felt the need to drive behind me for a mile honking like an apoleptic asshole? I didn’t think so. Thanks for letting me know your horn works. I was wondering.

Love and Kisses,

Who the hell sped up time? Less than two weeks to Christmas?! No! No, no, no, definitely not! It’s still in the 80’s out there and I don’t live in Australia! It’s not almost Christmas. It can’t be!

My two biggest problems?

Firstly, dragging the mouse down to the bottom of the screen to the taskbar to switch between two open browser windows. Even though the little man in the back of my head is screaming “NO! You idiot, TABS, they’re up top here {points}” I’m still racing to the bottom of the screen in a Pavlovian response to where I jumped between windows for SO many years.

The other problem is when I’m done with the information on one tab, say copy and pasting stuff for one of the blog entries you all are so fond of reading {crickets}… I head for the bit red X up in the corner to close the browser window I’m done with. Then Windows (and the little man screaming in my head) asks me “Look, stupid, you’ve got more than one browser window open, doing THAT will close them all. Do you really want to look like a twit or shall we try again and click the X on the TAB you want to close?”

They’ve finally, after being open locally for weeks, added our Zip code to their site’s list of “Places to be anally rapped for cash”, hooray.

Their phones are unremarkable and I don’t see anything that scream bargain or unique. I’ve vaguely heard of Kyocera phones and never heard of UTStarcom but they sell ‘em.

Their plans range from $30 to $50 a month (for people who can’t think past 28 days that’s $360 - $600 a year). For $360 a year you get boned. You get unlimited local calling and long distance is .05 a minute on top of your monthly fees. To use that you need to have money IN your MetroPCS account, they don’t have contracts so they won’t bill you. Web, IM, voice mail, caller ID, etc. are not available with this plan. If you want them and other features you need to step up to at least the next level of plan. No matter what level of plan you choose none of these features are free.

Then we get on to the silly shit that made me laugh. Want to download a ring-tone, you need to deposit money in your account. Then you need to KEEP paying to use the ring-tone. 2.99 - 2 uses, $5.99 - 4 uses, $9.99 - 7 uses. They don’t mention what happens if your phone rings eight times. I don’t understand the pricing for phone wallpapers. pricing $1.99 - 1 use, $4.99 - 3 uses, $7.49 - 5 uses. Is a ‘use’ opening your phone and seeing the wallpaper? I dunno, I suspect it is but their site’s not real detailed about these things. Even their games come with levels of usage, 30 days, 60 days, unlimited.

If you want to avoid having a contract, and don’t mind paying for everything other than local calling then, well, there’s better service out there but if you’re brain damaged maybe MetroPCS is for you…

My apologies to the brain damaged people out there who wouldn’t fall for these scams.