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On My Spaceship…

I’m going to design a spaceship. Not a now defunct (I like that word a lot) space shuttle or one of these new Space-X Dragon capsules that look, act and land like NASA projects from the 60’s but a super-uber-ooperdooper interstellar SPACESHIP.

When I design this spaceship I’m going to put battery powered emergency lights into it. LOTS of them. Bright ones! One ever ten or fifteen feet in corridors and one in every room, two if the room warrants it. They’ll be tied into the ships electrical system so they’re fully charged all the time. They’ll be using battery technology from the future so the lighting will last days. If they can do this at Walmart they can damn well do it for interstellar spaceships.

Warning lights, klaxon, alarms and ship wide alert messages:
Warning lights will NOT be the only source of lighting in the event of major power failure (see above) they will not be insanely bright and flash like insane strobes at a rave. No one on my ship will be tripping on E. Warning lights will be visible but subtle. Strip lighting along the floor, something of that nature. It will get your attention without blinding and disorienting you.
Klaxon and alarms will not be deafening. They will be BELOW a normal speaking volume so you don’t have to shout that a mind numbing terrible tentacled monster is about to eat your friend’s head, you can calmly and evenly tell him of his impending doom.
The same goes for ship wide alert messages they will repeat, twice, every two minutes with a soft ‘ping’ every thirty seconds in between to let you know there’s an alert coming up soon. There’s no need for “WARNING THE SHIP WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN X!” ever 30 seconds. It’s upsetting and disconcerting, no one wants that. The messages will also be recorded by sweet young ladies from the south. Bad news in a frilly southern drawl is better than good news in a Cockney accent.

My spacecraft will be specifically designed NOT to travel to or through Hell and bring back friends.

The spacecraft will have guns, lots and lots of guns. Ray guns. Laser guns. Boopity beam guns. Photon smiters. Zippity-go-bangers. GUNS. “But, stop! We’re on a peaceful mission…” will NOT be the first response to aggressive alien behavior it will be “WHO’S NEXT!”

The bridge and or control room will be deep within the ship. We have amazing cameras now, imagine what they’ll be like in the future. We don’t need the one realllllly important room up near the outside of the ship with windows where Bob, the tentacled horror with a hammer, can let everyone out… rapidly.

Sex… either everybody’s married or we’re carrying hookers. No one’s cracking up over not getting any for 36 months.

Walls, floors and ceilings will be padded. There will be no sharp edges. Seats will have harnesses not seatbelts and will fully support a crew person. While we’re greeting our alien brethren with a 460 gun… salute no one needs to get bruised or broken if the ship’s a-rocking and swaying.

Doors, hatches, etc. will have easy to use manual overrides with the one exception that they will no work if there’s no air pressure on the other side (duh!). There will be a little light on the override that everyone will know, before leaving port, means “Bad, no openey!” This goes for airlocks as well (double duh).

Since our spacecraft will be big (all those guns you know) we probably won’t be able to land it. Landing craft will be provided. Said landing craft will have more than enough fuel to make it back and forth to the main craft. No “Oh darn, I flew a couple miles now we’re stranded. Look at our pretty ship up in the sky. I guess it’ll take only a few year to get these aliens to distill a proper fuel.” CRAP! Our landing craft will run on rocks, kangaroos, leaves. If necessary very junior spacemen (or women!) can be stuffed into the fuel tank for the good of the rest.

We will have none of this Prime Directive crap. If Alien “A” is nice, cuddly, friendly and willing to give us trinkets and beads and Alien “B” is ugly, covered in warty tentacles and an all around dick we will, if asked nicely, stomp Alien “B” into paste. If we get it wrong and Alien “A” is really the dick, oh well, it’s a big universe we’ll try again somewhere else. Bonus, free, empty (if slightly radioactive) planet(s)!

Is there anything I’m missing?

Hawk (the urban spaceman) <-- points for getting the reference.

Doubles anyone?

Words? Words in a row? Are you serious? Can I ask any more questions? I bet I could! Yes, actual words. Words about something. Ok, there’s a picture too. We’ll get to that in a moment but it’s just one picture and the words are more than one… Work with me here, it’s been a while since I wrote more than a description of a picture I’ve taken… which, technically is what this blog post really is… ah, hell. Well, at least it’s more words than I have been stringing together… I hope. I mean I could choke, literally, on the subject and just stick it to myself. Okay, okay, enough puns!

I’ve been eating pretzels for years. To be honest I’ve been eating pretzels for decades. I was eating pretzels before I had any teeth and now that I don’t have any teeth once again I’m still eating pretzels. I love pretzels and their salty goodness…

That being said. Have you ever reached into a bag of pretzels and found mutants? Twists that twisted too much or too little or merged with others to form weird, distorted chaotic bundles of dough and salt. Or doubles, pretzel sticks stuck to other pretzel sticks. Having no teeth (tmi?) I’ve found pretzel sticks to be the easiest to eat and no matter if they’re Rold Gold (I always thought that had a vaguely drug related sounding name), store brand or Snyders of Hanover (The Dee Snyders of Hanover?!) not a bag goes down the gullet that doesn’t produce at least one or two doubles.

Why doubles? Why two? Why so many questions, Mr. Smarty Pants? What I mean is I’ve never seen a triple or a quadruple pretzel stick monster. I’ve never seen more than doubles in any brand. Two linked together forever… at least until they’re bitten (or gummed (tmi again?)). Sometimes just at the ends other times fused along their whole pretzely length. How is it, why is it that two pretzels can get stuck together but it never seems to happen to more than two? Riddle me that, Batman!

I’m going to write to Rold Gold and Snyders (of Hanover) and ask them and if they don’t think I’m insane and call the police and provide a rational or even an irrational (young pretzel love cut short in the blazing furnace of the oven, ouch!) answer I’ll share it here… with you two or three people who bother to come here to my blog.

You know what the best part of this post is? (damn, more questions?!) I get a snack at the end!


Click for a better view…

Hawk (nom, nom, nom… pretzels!)

More? You betcha!

I’m just a wild and crazy camera guy… To hell with writing creatively, I’ll just keep taking pictures!

Beware of what?! This was at a retention pond in the middle of a shopping center.

I was trying to get a picture of a bird in the tree above my car when it grabbed this Katydid and threw it at me!

The Katydid flinging culprit fleeing the scene of the crime…

Because everyone wants to park next to a mosquito infested swamp behind a grocery store… Spot the lizard!

Hawk (I’ve got cameras and I’m not afraid to use them!)

In place of witty…

Well… if I can’t be witty I can at least take and post pictures, right?

Right!

This is a 16 second exposure of the western night sky. The brightest object I believe is Venus. I really like how this came out. I need to experiment with long exposure shots further…


Just a LITTLE bit over exposed?


This is what happens to Venus when you drop your cane on the tripod.


Not so super moon. Too much light polution and moisture in the air (90% humidity).

Click them and they will grow!

Hawk (with a wonky witty…)

Hi Blog!

Hello blog of mine! I know, I haven’t been paying attention to you lately. I’m sorry. Forgive me oh my blog, please!

Just messing around a little with panoramic images….


Click and grok the fullness.

Hawk (bold AND italicized!)

Should I be worried?

I bought myself a new brush when I was grocery shopping the other day and just by luck I glanced at the inside of the cardboard wrap they had around it (maybe there were instructions!) and I saw the warning in the image below… and it blew my mind.

Is there something they’re not telling me? Does my new brush suffer from impulse control problems?

So I decided to see what would happen if I tempted it…


Clicketh you the small images and be amazed as they groweth larger.

Nothing! Poo… no magical knife attack by an evil brush. I expected something exciting and all I got was these two pictures. {pout}

Hawk (hairy and currently still safe)

All Wet :(

An actual conversation with a Florida Today Delivery Issue specialist:

FTDIS: “Hi, my name is [unimportant] how can I help you today?”
Me: “I’d like a paper that’s not soaking wet.”
FTDIS: “Can you please confirm your delivery address?”
Me: [Does So]
FTDIS: “Okay sir, I’ve gone and issued you a credit for today’s wet paper.”
Me: “I don’t want credit. I want a paper that’s not soaking wet.”
FTDIS: “Was your paper bagged, sir?”
Me: “Apparently not well enough, it’s wet.”
FTDIS: “I apologize for your wet paper sir and I’ve issued a credit. I’ll put a note in the file to double bag and tie future deliveries. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”
Me: “I want a paper that’s not soaking wet.”
FTDIS: “I do apologize for your wet paper, sir, but we don’t have re-delivery available today.”
Me: “Why?”
FTDIS: “We don’t have re-delivery available today.”
Me: “Why?”
FTDIS: “We don’t have re-delivery available today.”
Me: “Why?”
FTDIS: “We don’t have re-delivery available today.”
Me: “Why?”
FTDIS: “We don’t have re-delivery available today.”
Me: “You said that already. Why isn’t it available.”
FTDIS: “We don’t have re-delivery available today.”
Me: “Why?”
FTDIS: “Re-delivery is only available on weekends, sir.”
Me: “So you only correct your mistakes two days a week?!”
FTDIS: “We do not have re-delivery available today. Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?”
Me: “I want a paper that’s not soaking wet.”
FTDIS: “Sir…”
Me: [Hangs Up]

Did you know they don’t have re-delivery available today? I sure didn’t!

I don’t get the whole only fixing problems thing two days a week. Sure it’s got to save them some money but I can’t believe I’m the only pissed off customer today with a soaking wet paper.

Unless it IS raining when they’re getting loaded up our delivery drone never double bags the paper even when there’s an 80%+ chance of rain.

Last Sunday our paper was… inundated. When I called then to complain they had a nice recording about how our paper’s might be delayed due to Daylight Saving Time but then didn’t bother to staff the office the extra hour that DST added to everyone’s morning. They only take calls until 10:30 AM, if you get up a little late on Sunday morning and want your delivery problem fixed you get to talk to a recording and you don’t get a paper.

Oh yeah, they just raised the delivery rate by $6 a month. Feel the love.

Hawk (Did kinda enjoy yanking the phone drone’s chain )